I've been thinking about weight loss alot lately. I'm very troubled by how heavy I am. Mostly for health reasons, but also because I just hate the way I look (even moreso recently). I've noticed for the past week, that I don't enjoy food the way I used to (which can be bad and good).. I think it's because I feel like food is the enemy, when really it's me that's causing this. Even when I eat small portions (because I USED to have portions enough to feed a small country) I still feel like eating is wrong. I haven't eaten at all today and it's 5 PM.. which is dinner time. I eventually give in to the hunger pains, and LATELY I've seriously been eating out of boredom, which caused some weight gain in between jobs... Anyway, I'm soooo ready to do the Lean for Life program, but I need to buy groceries and I don't have any money.. I've been making it off of canned goods and ramen noodles. Also family feeds us from time to time. Eating on a schedule and several times a day in smaller portions is key to losing weight. I learned that last year... so until I can buy those groceries... I went ahead and posted my stats up top, so I can start tracking the progress. I have to fight myself to put it up there. I think mostly because I don't want the rest of the world to know what I weigh.. I have encountered so much rejection just because of my weight. I used to be so glad that I was out of school so I didn't have to hear the ridicule. I don't hear it much anymore, but I can still SEE it. People can be extremely hateful to a fat person. I'm glad I got to experience being fat, so I will never do that to other people. Fat people beat up on themselves enough, without others joining in. It's a terrible inward battle. My face used to be thin enough that I would just look at it in a mirror and be slightly okay with being fat. Now my face has ballooned and I hate everything I see in the mirror. This is my lowest low. I realized online people hate fat people the most. The other day I was chatting (with a GIRL nonetheless) and she wanted to know what I look like. I refuse to post pictures up right now, and I don't have any right now anyway. So I told her the truth, (which I usually don't because of what happens) thinking that she would understand being a girl. Turns out she's a skinny bitch and she thought when I said I'm "heavy" that meant I was being critical of myself. When I told her I am OBESE and need to lose about 100 pounds she immediately quit talking to me. Fat people are treated like they have a plague they can spread to everyone. I push people away so they won't get a chance to judge me and I assume EVERYWHERE I go that someone is making fun of me. Anyway I'm done with my rant. Just so I know where I am.. my stats are in the title.
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